FacePalm Friday 12/2

What FacePalm means….

 

 

 

 

 

 

How to FacePalm…

Have yourself a very PC MidWinter Festival

The politically correct Christmas

On the 12th day of the Eurocentrically imposed midwinter festival, my Significant Other in a consenting adult, monogamous relationship gave to me:

TWELVE males reclaiming their inner warrior through ritual drumming,

ELEVEN pipers piping (plus the 18-member pit orchestra made up of members in good standing of the Musicians Equity Union as called for in their union contract even though they will not be asked to play a note),

TEN melanin deprived testosterone-poisoned scions of the patriarchal ruling class system leaping,

NINE persons engaged in rhythmic self-expression,

EIGHT economically disadvantaged female persons stealing milk-products from enslaved Bovine-Americans,

SEVEN endangered swans swimming on federally protected wetlands,

SIX enslaved Fowl-Americans producing stolen non-human animal products,

FIVE golden symbols of culturally sanctioned enforced domestic incarceration,

(NOTE: after members of the Animal Liberation Front threatened to throw red paint at my computer, the calling birds, French hens and partridge have been reintroduced to their native habitat. To avoid further Animal-American enslavement, the remaining gift package has been revised.)

FOUR hours of recorded whale songs

THREE de-constructionist poets

TWO Sierra Club calendars printed on recycled processed tree carcasses and…

ONE Spotted Owl activist chained to an old-growth pear tree.

Merry Christmas Happy Chanukah. Good Kwanzaa. Blessed Yule. Happy Holidays! (unless otherwise prohibited by law)

Face Palm Friday 11/18

Today’s (late) face-palm are two pics that are def worthy of the title.

Enjoy.

 

.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Wordless Wednesday

The new baby talk

Just Funny: How to Know You're Ready for Parenthood

A friend sent me this today and I thought it was sooo funny. I don’t know who to credit, so if you know the source, please let me know!

Parenthood humor

 

How To Know You’re Ready For Parenthood

MESS TEST: Smear peanut butter on the sofa and curtains. Now rub your hands in the wet flower bed and rub on the walls. Cover the stains with crayons. Place a fish stick behind the couch and leave it there all summer.

TOY TEST: Obtain a 55-gallon box of Legos. (If Legos are not available, you may substitute roofing tacks or broken bottles.) Have a friend spread them all over the house. Put on a blindfold. Try to walk to the bathroom or kitchen. Do not scream (this could wake a child at night).

GROCERY STORE TEST: Borrow one or two small animals (goats are best) and take them with you as you shop at the grocery store. Always keep them in sight and pay for anything they eat or damage.

DRESSING TEST: Obtain one large, unhappy, live octopus. Stuff it into a small net bag making sure that all arms stay inside.

FEEDING TEST: Obtain a large plastic milk jug. Fill it halfway with water. Suspend from the ceiling with a stout cord. Get the jug swinging. Try to insert spoonfuls of soggy cereal (such as Fruit Loops or Cheerios) into the mouth of the jug while pretending to be an airplane. Now dump the contents of the jug on the floor.

NIGHT TEST: Prepare by obtaining a small cloth bag and fill it with 8 to 12 pounds of sand. Soak it thoroughly in water. At 8 PM begin to waltz and hum with the bag until 9 PM. Lay down your bag and set your alarm for 10:00 PM. Get up, pick up your bag, and sing every song you have ever heard. Make up about a dozen more and sing them until 4:00 AM. Set alarm for 5:00 AM. Get up and make breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years. Look cheerful.

PHYSICAL TEST (WOMEN): Obtain a large bean-bag chair and attach it to the front of your clothes. Leave it there for 9 mo. Now remove 10% of the beans.

PHYSICAL TEST (MEN): Go to the nearest drug store. Set your wallet on the counter. Ask the clerk to help himself. Now proceed to the nearest food store. Go to the head office and arrange for your paycheck to be directly deposited to the store. Purchase a newspaper. Go home and read it quietly for the last time.

FINAL ASSIGNMENT: Find a couple who already has a small child. Lecture them on how they can improve their child’s discipline, patience, tolerance, toilet training, and table manners. Suggest many things they can improve as well. Emphasize to them that they should never allow their children to run riot. Enjoy this experience. It will be the last time you’ll have all the answers.

Face Palm Friday 11/4

This is a *Guest Posting* Be sure to swing by her blog for giveaways, blogging tips, kid stuff and lots more! Enjoy!

 

One of the biggest face palm moments I’ve had happened almost 11 years ago.  I was sitting in my friends room, watching a movie with him and one of his friends.  It was a small room that he rented from the family who lived in the house at the time, so there wasn’t an abundance of room to sit down and get comfy, so the three of us were on the bed.  For some reason, my friend decided it would be funny to start shoving office supplies up the leg of my pants.  Minds out of the gutter, he was shoving stuff up through the ankle of my pants!

At first, it was annoying but funny.  Eventually, the funny part wore off and it was downright annoying.  Even more so when I realized I had so many pens and pencils, a 3-hole punch and other supplies up my pant leg that I couldn’t really move for fear of getting stabbed by something.  So, I had no choice but to look at my friend’s friend for help.  I looked at the man who up until that point I had only ever said some choice words asking him to stop shouting to and said, “Would you mind going in my pants and getting that ____ out!”

Perhaps that is the greatest come-on line of all time, because 11 years later, we are married with two great kids!

 

 

Heather Brooks-Heinzer
The Tales of Bubba and Mack
Website: http://bubbamack.com
Twitter: http://www.twitter.com/bubbamacktales

Sloshed Spider Creations

Spider Webs Made by Spiders on Drugs
spider webs made from spiders on drugsI don’t know who to credit for this pic, I got it in an email. I just keep thinking of the spiders kinda wobbling on their web, like a tightrope walker, all their legs kinda fluttering as they try to balance. The difference between a beautiful, symmetric web and these efforts are incredible. Did you notice that caffeine produces the most “off” web? The hashish (maryjo) is pretty obvious, you can see where he got distracted and went looking for chocolate covered bugs. The LSD looks much better than I would have thought. The Mescaline looks as though it had a ton of energy and pooped out.

Home work

More reality