Have yourself a very PC MidWinter Festival

The politically correct Christmas

On the 12th day of the Eurocentrically imposed midwinter festival, my Significant Other in a consenting adult, monogamous relationship gave to me:

TWELVE males reclaiming their inner warrior through ritual drumming,

ELEVEN pipers piping (plus the 18-member pit orchestra made up of members in good standing of the Musicians Equity Union as called for in their union contract even though they will not be asked to play a note),

TEN melanin deprived testosterone-poisoned scions of the patriarchal ruling class system leaping,

NINE persons engaged in rhythmic self-expression,

EIGHT economically disadvantaged female persons stealing milk-products from enslaved Bovine-Americans,

SEVEN endangered swans swimming on federally protected wetlands,

SIX enslaved Fowl-Americans producing stolen non-human animal products,

FIVE golden symbols of culturally sanctioned enforced domestic incarceration,

(NOTE: after members of the Animal Liberation Front threatened to throw red paint at my computer, the calling birds, French hens and partridge have been reintroduced to their native habitat. To avoid further Animal-American enslavement, the remaining gift package has been revised.)

FOUR hours of recorded whale songs

THREE de-constructionist poets

TWO Sierra Club calendars printed on recycled processed tree carcasses and…

ONE Spotted Owl activist chained to an old-growth pear tree.

Merry Christmas Happy Chanukah. Good Kwanzaa. Blessed Yule. Happy Holidays! (unless otherwise prohibited by law)

The new baby talk

Just Funny: How to Know You're Ready for Parenthood

A friend sent me this today and I thought it was sooo funny. I don’t know who to credit, so if you know the source, please let me know!

Parenthood humor

 

How To Know You’re Ready For Parenthood

MESS TEST: Smear peanut butter on the sofa and curtains. Now rub your hands in the wet flower bed and rub on the walls. Cover the stains with crayons. Place a fish stick behind the couch and leave it there all summer.

TOY TEST: Obtain a 55-gallon box of Legos. (If Legos are not available, you may substitute roofing tacks or broken bottles.) Have a friend spread them all over the house. Put on a blindfold. Try to walk to the bathroom or kitchen. Do not scream (this could wake a child at night).

GROCERY STORE TEST: Borrow one or two small animals (goats are best) and take them with you as you shop at the grocery store. Always keep them in sight and pay for anything they eat or damage.

DRESSING TEST: Obtain one large, unhappy, live octopus. Stuff it into a small net bag making sure that all arms stay inside.

FEEDING TEST: Obtain a large plastic milk jug. Fill it halfway with water. Suspend from the ceiling with a stout cord. Get the jug swinging. Try to insert spoonfuls of soggy cereal (such as Fruit Loops or Cheerios) into the mouth of the jug while pretending to be an airplane. Now dump the contents of the jug on the floor.

NIGHT TEST: Prepare by obtaining a small cloth bag and fill it with 8 to 12 pounds of sand. Soak it thoroughly in water. At 8 PM begin to waltz and hum with the bag until 9 PM. Lay down your bag and set your alarm for 10:00 PM. Get up, pick up your bag, and sing every song you have ever heard. Make up about a dozen more and sing them until 4:00 AM. Set alarm for 5:00 AM. Get up and make breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years. Look cheerful.

PHYSICAL TEST (WOMEN): Obtain a large bean-bag chair and attach it to the front of your clothes. Leave it there for 9 mo. Now remove 10% of the beans.

PHYSICAL TEST (MEN): Go to the nearest drug store. Set your wallet on the counter. Ask the clerk to help himself. Now proceed to the nearest food store. Go to the head office and arrange for your paycheck to be directly deposited to the store. Purchase a newspaper. Go home and read it quietly for the last time.

FINAL ASSIGNMENT: Find a couple who already has a small child. Lecture them on how they can improve their child’s discipline, patience, tolerance, toilet training, and table manners. Suggest many things they can improve as well. Emphasize to them that they should never allow their children to run riot. Enjoy this experience. It will be the last time you’ll have all the answers.

Home work

More reality

Just about sums it up

Exactly….

The difference between husbands and wives…

I thought this looked awful!

My hub thought it looked “AWESOME” and wanted me to go online to see where we could buy some.

Sigh.

 

Ain't it the truth?

What teens text

 Conversation between my daughter and friend…I have permission to post!
Robin: I LEFT MY BELOVED OLD SHOES OVER THERE. Will you keep them safe for me?
Alexandra: I SOLD THEM.
Robin: How… how… HOW COULD YOU? Those shoes have been with me for months upon months, over concrete and through mud, through sunny skies and torrential rains! AND YOU SOLD THEM LIKE A COUPLE OF… OF… OF OLD BEAT-UP SHOES?
Alexandra: I NEEDED THREE BUCKS, OKAY.
Robin: …I cannot speak to you anymore. Cannot speak to you, cannot look at you, cannot THINK of you. CONSIDER YOURSELF DISOWNED.
Alexandra: I STOLE THEM BACK.

Robin: Oh dear. Which to condone, the selling of my precious footwear or the stealing back of them…?
Alexandra: MAKE UP YOUR MIND.
Robin: Gah. Illegality makes everything so complicated.
Alexandra: I’m not even going to tell you about the forgery.
Robin: WHERE WILL IT ALL END?
Alexandra: IT’S NOT LIKE I MENTIONED THE CAR STEALING.
Robin: You know, one of these days I’m not going to be able to throw the FBI off your trail.
Alexandra: CAN YOU TRY
Robin: I will do my darndest. But they’re getting kind of irritated about all these wild-goose chases I keep sending them on.
Alexandra: I just can’t please you.
*******************ANSWER TO WHAT IS THIS? #8**********************

Not exactly my style….were you close??